Mati Ye (Dia) Syndrome

Mati Ye (Ye being the substitue word for dia) Syndrome is defined as the act of constantly giving reasons/excuses for not doing something for the sole purpose of not wanting to do it. It is an inside joke referring to 'heavy boneness'- in essence, it's actually referring to laziness.

Laziness itself has a wide scope. Procrastinating, running away from matters at hand, or even what you initially consider as fear itself, may actually be an indication of laziness simmering underneath your lack of actions. Frankly speaking, I've known only a handful of people who haven't showed the slightest sign of being lazy. Obviously, I'm not one of them, which is why I can write such elaborately convincing topics on the whole matter, and actually inspire such a unique name for something so... drab, so common. Being the inspiration for something inherently makes you think of a role model of said realized inspiration. And in this case, I truly feel like a role model of laziness.

Do I feel lazy?

I most certainly do not. Be it the case of utter stupiditis, denial syndrome or God-knows-wtfery of a fancy name that I have the ability to concoct, I have conviction that I am not lazy. The only logical reason (again with the reasoning and excusing), I would surmise, why one of my most beloved persons is calling me thus is because said person has not seen me in such a long time and is still reminiscing on the old times, i.e my 8-year-old ratty self, and associating that image with my current actions. Said person still remembers my late-noon morning rise-and-shine routines all those years ago, which happens only on specific days and at specific places. What the person doesn't know is the fact that I do almost all my evasive maneuvers to avoid seeing the faces of people I-have-no-idea-in-my-heart-why I can't face, and, if my unusual sleeping habits are accountable for said 'mornings', I do what I thought works in making myself more of a productive member of society. Which, apparently, isn't the case. It takes a girl a while to learn and earn her own lessons.

I DID mention earlier that conviction, more often than not, leads to stubbornness.

So I can probably blame my innate sense of 'stubbornity' for my actions now.

Which leads me back to proving my most unfortunate demise of being a bearer of the infamous Mati Ye Syndrome.

It's funny how I end up thinking I've reasoned some matters and abruptly realize that my 'flawless logic' is on a spherical track, leading me straight back to where I've started. Had I stopped earlier I would've stopped the course and proved myself right, at least for part of the journey. The unquenchable thirst of getting myself to the end, however, hastily pushes me forward to my inevitable ending, one I've foreseen SO many times and yet never seem to grasp. One I delusionally thought I could escape from, but always fail doing so. Another path charted on my perfect little sphere of delusions, whereupon each path, led by my bluntness, never stray from its course- Always going the straight way, plundering through marked paths of aforetimes, to reach its final destination. Its initial destination. The starting point.

I sometimes wonder why it is that my head spins with anticipation, words tumbling out of my consciousness, when I'm arguing something passionately with someone. My vision becomes blurry, ears ringing, orientation somewhat deteriorating. The inability to concentrate, the heave of the stomach... a familiar sense of being spun around too many times on a swivel chair. I now realize that my body is doing what I subconsciously think of my reasoning- it's actually going around in a circle.

My most beloved people are telling me to do a 180. To change my lifestyle. And to do that, I will be forced to change the essence of everything that made my lifestyle what it is-

I have to change me.