Of Wants and Needs

Yet again, I fail to ascertain the boundary between my wants and needs.
Right now I want a pizza. A gigantic pizza with enough cheese to clog the arteries of an elephant, beef/chicken, and pineapple, at the very least. And I want one from a fast-food chain, which makes it deliciously unhealthier and me fatter. I want that pizza with spaghetti and meatball, with extra tomato sauce and meatballs. And I want those with two sweet and spicy grilled chicken wings.
And what do I need? To eat less junk like that and more organic, healthy, detoxifying food of course. That goes without saying. But most of all I really, really, REALLY need to study. PRONTO. And what happens? I get a major migraine instead, and an abyss of dark depression.
I need to get closer to God. NOW.

Life's...

A female dog with a headache.... Yep, pretty much sums how I feel right now.
I curse last-minute notifications.

Early Mornin' Dreamin'

I would like to believe that one day, in the not-too-distant future, I would reach a place on earth that I'd fall in love with at first sight; so breathtakingly beautiful that I would shed a tear if and when I left. A place so cool, serene and tranquil, I would want to build a home and willingly grow vegetables and raise chickens there, plus give up the luxuries of internet and most of technology for the better part of a year (I obviously can't give up on all forms of technology forever now that I've come to know and love it)...Yeah, castles don't seem too bad for a place like this, you know, once I turn into a dollar-wise billionaire and grab all the prime property available on earth before the population boom gets so bad that we'd have to colonize the moon.

Reminiscence

Ahh, but aren't almost all my blog entries somewhat reminiscent...?

I'm reminiscing on my favorite Maths teacher in particular at this very moment, which is a result of revisiting a poetry site that used to be my regular haunt a few years ago every time I got my hands on the parent- and siblingless PC+internet, which wasn't often. Those were the days when I would retype my heart's deepest sensations (aches, mostly), holding back emotions and trying to clack the letters on the keyboard as silently as possible, for fear of the others finding me there, darkly inner-cursing my lack of 1nt3rnetz freedom. And yet I miss those days, and could probably credit the strictness for my satisfying reports from school. I would give anything to time warp to that moment in time- 2004/2005, to be exact, although that span of time was like the pinnacle of my Dork Years. There I was, trying to say I was a non-conformist by not labelling myself anything, since technically even others believe I didn't actually conform to any high school standards but there you have it- four/five years in the future and I'm labelling myself a dork... Which is actually true, considering my MMORPG addiction and my not-so-boyfriendy ex. But those were fun times and I had an okay weight/figure, at least. Not to mention I was still living in the same roof as the rest of my family, though I do recall wanting to run away from them more times than I could count when it's the Family Drama Week.

Anyways, about the site... The motto I had in my profile for months, possibly years, was an almost entirely accurate advice given to me by my favorite math teacher back in my favorite high school. She's a brilliant math teacher (quite possibly with an IQ of at least 145), not to mention graceful, beautiful, effective and helpful, particularly when you give her the respect she deserves. She's known to be the strictest and scariest teacher in school, but I don't blame her- a teacher that good should demand more respect from her students. Fact is, to this day I have NO idea what she was doing teaching in our school- she belongs in a more intellectual place, an institute of higher education where the brilliant students would appreciate her for the gem that she is. Yes, I worship her for the brilliance she exuded in all those years she taught me, and I wish the other students could appreciate her at least half as much as I did. One would understand if one went to one of her classes with an open mind ready to learn. She possesses the depth and skills that could pinpoint a certain person's true weakness in a subject, and has acquired an unbelievable way of making you fathom the unfathomable. Plus, she seems to be able to mind read- I wouldn't be surprised if she was a psychic in that aspect.

Which is where I come into the main part between all this waffle- the advice. She knows how much of a pushover I am and probably used that to the maximum advantage, all with an undoubtedly good cause- I refuse to partake in any mathematical events even though others insist that I was more than able to. I refuse to do ANYTHING that I thought would jeopardize my already low and continuously deteriorating self-confidence value, and she despised the fact that I hated her subject so much, time and time again reminding me how much better I would be if I put in even half as much more effort in Mathematics in general. Which of course, I didn't do. Numbers and equations make me dizzy. Then the mathematical contests came and she pushed me to enter each available contest, which I aced- for my school standards anyway. This went on a couple of times until I left school. On one of my visits back to school she stepped out of the class she was teaching and advised me to grab any opportunity I see and try not to merely see the potential failure that opportunity could bring- merely to grab it and do my best. I nodded my agreement with her statement, hugged her and she resumed teaching. Then I left school- and that was almost two years ago. I used her words as my poety site profile motto straightaway.

For a time I considered her words almost as if they were a good luck charm- words that made every opportunity available, and made my attempts upon them almost invincible. Many obstacles and diversions later, her words were lost to the large, powerful waves of Time (due to my lack of visits to the poetry site, obviously) and I felt as if I had lost it all- the confidence of my teachers, other adults, and the confidence I had in me. Opportunities were slippery eels in murky water a thousand leagues down- needless to say, I never resisted the temptation to just turn my head away from any that I see if it doesn't concern directly satisfying people around me. I DID say I was a pushover.

And while searching/evading the ever-elusive, I found her words again, read them, smiled, and deleted them from the page, wishing she was here with me to tell me off in front of the class for my lack of effort right now. A torrent of sadness engulfed my mind as I struggled not to reach for my cellphone and dial numbers that I do know, without a doubt, would make me feel better and sad at the same time.

So here's to the best Mathematics teacher a high school student could ever have- may she live a life full of meaning and happiness, and eventually rest in peace for all her hard work, dedication and inspiration.

How In The World~

It's not here.

I looked everywhere. I tried, or maybe haven't tried enough yet for any standard, but I wasted loads of mindpower looking for it and it just... isn't... HERE.
What I found is a new addiction to a series of American (it's either that or Japanese) TV show, and that does not help me in my quest at all, since I already obtained an addiction to ANOTHER hacked game during the holidays and am merely considering, and mildly panicking, about my impending doo- *cough* exams.

And I discovered that all the girls/ladies I know around me who has seen Twilight, has fallen in love with the movie, and those who haven't read the books mostly intend to, thanks to the said movie. The books stumbled off the shelves at an alarming rate after the movie released over here- let's just hope the next movie keeps them happy with more vampiric faces than the book intended, for audience's sake. Am I too pleased with that fact? Maybe for Meyer, but not really- Edward doesn't need anymore fans fawning over him, and neither does Carlisle, or Alice, for that matter. But I'm just saying that because I'm a possessive Twilight Biotch- not that it matters much, zzz...

At the top of the roller coaster ride for the last week, Mom finally called me, and I had a good time with my gal pal on Friday. Almost everything else was either average, lamerage or... plain rage, from my part. I miss my heaven-sent family as always, but what else is new this part of the psychotic world?

So my never-ending quest for the ever-elusive is still on its run, again. Heaven help me.

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

I love the hawt, smexy AND funny Jeff Davis (But Ryan is still the best goof in the show, of course); and I can't get enough of him, or the show.
I'm an official WLIIA addict.
That is all.
*<3 JEFF!*

Screwed

For lack of a better word, that's what I feel like right now. Dishevelled, dirty and totally restless, yet too caught up in a bit of everything to actually DO anything. But I'm here to report on my daily events- or what might have been yesterday's events, when this post is finished, so off I go...
Today (or yesterday) I...

• Did not go to two hours' worth of Physics lectures because I didn't feel like it, even though my room mate attempted to wake me up for it about 5 times. That's a new one for this sem- and to think I had a test later on that (this/past) night... Plus, it was an EVENING class that started at 2 p.m...
• Went to Biology lectures that didn't even last 30 minutes' worth of its supposed 2 hours' duration. Even then, two-thirds of the class was spent watching videos. Yum...
• Bought a 1TB external HDD (FINALLY!) worth 450. I'll prolly be eating sand and rocks for the rest of the month; that's all my allowance D: Okay not technically, I have like around 200 left from previous months but that's barely enough for me to last the rest of the month even ONLY for food. But I asked for it. And I also asked for...
• ...5/10 in my first Physics test. I was the worst, in case you're wondering, in the whole class. I could not blame anything or anyone but myself for not revising properly or enough; yet, as expected, I'm very, VERY piss- No wait. I'm not pissed, I'm more disappointed than pissed. But yeah, deserved it.
• Finished Physics Lab early, for me and my group's standards lol. Then ate some take-away fried rice.
• Am still upset that Mom has yet to call me. Her flight was delayed, and when i called Dad at around 1940 she had apparently just arrived... And told Dad to tell me that she'll call me later. I bet she's tired, but I'm still a bit miffed that her call is also delayed. Thing is, I...
• Get really homesick nowadays. Like, how it was before I settled in here fully, since the start of the second semester for the second year. It's puzzling and I get so tired of feeling this way, as it'd been more than a year since I got in here and had time to acclimatize into new environments without my dearest family, but here I am, and I'm not liking it. Why the hell do I feel these stuff anyway?
• Have a new crush- on a guy I saw on Whose Line Is It Anyway? from 2005 (lulz)! Apparently his name is Jeff Davis, and I had an insta-crush the moment I saw him. Coulda drooled my pillow when I saw him smile that one time, haha... I'm a sucker for guys like that, and yeah, inevitably made me feel more sucky...

I should finish up on today's post; I have to get up extra-early tomorrow to get my outing card at 0730 and go to Math class at 0800. Bahh. Let's hope my Math test was more than a pass x__x AND that the lecturer does NOT pick on me tomorrow!

...Though, that said, it would probably happen...

One Moar Striek..!

Yes, the typoes are INTENTIONAL.

I am on the verge of losing what's left of my sanity. ONE MORE ASSIGNMENT/QUIZ and I'll snuff for 10 hours: which would be a record, considering my recently acquired sleep disorder. I was seriously thinking of sneaking off a friend's sleeping pills that she'd conveniently obtained from her doctor of a mother... But I'm guessing it's illegal and we all know how I'm usually never up for anything out of the line, zzz...

Me hates this part of student life here. When you have a free week, it's a totally free week; no assignments or quizzes from any part of the module, which is a freaking monster hidden inside the Blanket of Blessings, since the next week, ALL of the work would decide to do a massive convergence and are due at almost the EXACT FREAKING DAY, EVERY time.

That in itself is a sign that I SHOULD start doing my tutorials and reports in advance, but would I heed my little conscience? Probably not. Look where I am right now! I am FREAKING BLOGGING. I knew taking this hobby up again wasn't a good idea. On the other hand, it keeps me off the MMORPGs, which take up much more time and effort and distract me from everything else, music included- and when something distracts me off of music for about 4 hours straight in my free time with music resources in hand, you'd know it's major. At least I have the sexy Josh Groban serenading my activity right now, which somehow calms my nerves, for a bit. I do realize what would calm me better, but I am a weakling and I enjoy my worldly entertainment. God, Forgive me x__x

Skipping a major meeting for the most major event in the society to do Maths. I hope it pays off for tomorrow's quiz and overall revision in general- otherwise I'll probably pull an Alice and corkscrew a person's head off...

Right now hearting: Ningyo Hime by Rie Tanaka

Oh, and just so I'm updated on stuff and would remember this in the near future for idnnowot, playing around with skeletons is a lot of fun- was about my only ray of sunshine for the whole day so far.

O.O

My Mom wants to borrow my copy of Twilight.
...
She said she was (is) attracted to the storyline after watching the movie...(!!!)
Oh Lord... I never thought my Mom would actually agree to read any book that I enjoy. And TWILIGHT? Of ALL BOOKS?
I mean, I'm not judging or stereotyping readers or anything. Okay maybe I am, a bit. I understand that within its totally perfect romantic storyline, apart from the disagreeing vampires and/or werewolves and occasional disasters, it's a crack of a read for those with at least half a pile of mush for a heart- which explains the Twilight Moms. But MY Mom, who loves seeing those dramas I can't even stomach, and the expression she gets when I try to get her to read even a small English book that she might actually like... Liking THIS? A TEENAGE romance/angst-themed movie adapted from a book series with like 500+ pages each, with a large tween fan base (that also happens to include other minorities like me, which I'm not THAT proud of)??
You've gotta be kidding me.
But that's what she said while she handed me my Caramel Cappuccino in Coffee Bean & Tea Leaves. I was flabbergasted for about half a second before I actually blurted a (half) astounded 'What?' since I was too shocked to say the more appropriate term for that, which is an 'Excuse me?' with a significantly lower pitch. I was lucky she didn't say that before I actually got to sip at the drink she was lowering in its tray. I would've spewed the chairs in front of me, and probably the ones behind them as well. She wants to read that book, and is willing to buy me the second and third if I lent her the first. Which is kinda impossible now that I think of it, since the place where the unopened book (yes, it's very much in mint condition and the plastic wrap around it is still intact!) is in is locked, as the people (one of my aunt/uncle pairs) living there are a few hundred kilometers away right now on a brief business trip.
BUT (There's a large BUT for you)...
I'm not saying it's lame. I mean, as I said, it's totally fathomable for a woman just past her mid-forties to actually like the movie/book/storyline. We ladies all have a tweenish girly side to us; whether it's dominant or not is a question in itself. Nevertheless, it never occured to me that my OWN Mom would be sucked into The Twilight Zone, as did so many other teens and older and younger people in the past few months.
At least I can say her taste in movies is at least THAT much closer to mine =P
Come to think of it, I SO have to find a way to get her to read the book now!

ShopPISSing - Don't Ask Unless You Read.

I am freaking pissed at everything, and that's the only way I could say it without cussing. Granted I have nothing (too) unfortunate befalling me, nor am I broke, but none of that rap matters when it's this time of the month. To make it worse, I had to endure the agonizing pain in my stomach and tag along with my mother on one of her last-minute shopping sprees, which, by the way, I never enjoyed, because I'm an antisocial freak who rarely loves to shop unless I really have to, whereupon I would possibly buy the cute stuff I would never really seek out and buy if I do happen to stumble upon any of them. Hey, not all girls are shopaholics. But then again, on my compulsory shopping trips I would always end up buying much more unneeded stuff than I initially intended to, and spend a lot of money on my meals. Which sucks for me, and makes me depreciate myself even more.
And I hate looking at shoes if I don't need or crazily want any in particular, especially those shoe shops with heels and girly sandals everywhere. I could stuff sport shoes, or hiking shoes, or even leather shoes, but I can never tolerate a shop full of glittery girly shoes- the sight makes me disoriented and almost puke and I would only really manage going into one for a family member or friend, but not excessively. Same with clothes, bags and anything girly of the like. I do, however, love large chain bookstores since you can never find any charming, quaint ol' bookshops here like you see in the movies, with the dusty antique bookshelves and appealing leatherbounds. I would love to see one some day...
But omg, electronics stores, which includes computers, electronics and small gadgets of the like as well as their accessories though... now those are shops I would totally float into. I am not that attracted to cameras, although when I set my sights on one I would definitely love to see it in the display windows and ask around about its price, but anything computer related, hell YES. Not TVs possibly because it's not something that practical for me to get in the near future, but I bet when I have a good income and my own pad I would definitely splurge a lot on TV and the works. I hope they get those colored versions of TV in purple by that time, I would love to get my hands on one.
SO yeah. I finish my pissy ramble on this merry note: at least I got to spend time with my Mom (for like barely 5 minutes if you don't count the tagging and pissiness due to my expected moodswing, given my mental and health conditions and the amount of HW I couldn't possibly do without someone else to guide me)! AND I got to read about 100 pages of Untamed, which I FINALLY got my hands on in Kinokuniya KLCC. I'm afraid it would set me off of my HW but I was set off in the first place... must seek Aainaa tomorrow first thing, and then Wanie to explain Maths, maybe. I love them <3